When I was fasting, the support and clean emotional outlook was refreshing and energizing. Everyone was there cheering me on. These past few days have felt like someone has died. I feel like I am full of poisoned emotions as I am fighting with the hubby. I am feeling the pull towards bad food and worse habits. I am not feeling good about myself or my situation. This is not a positive post, in case you are just catching on.
What to do? While there is nothing I can do to make him listen to me, or hear me, or care. I think the only thing left is to put myself out there with honesty and do what I can to work on me. That sounds selfish and while I want to fix everything, I realize there are some things I have no control over. I go back to controlling what I can, and all that has to do with me. Self control is just that, selfish.
This morning I spent some time, about 3-4 sessions, in hysterical tears, in pain, in anger, in frustration, in disbelief, and challenged because there was no breaking the wall he put up. No of those emotions or emotional outbreaks is doing me any good at all. I feel like I am dying on the inside because my "self" has been so intertwined with this other person for a dozen years, that it is like cutting blood flow off to half of my body. It hurts. He is hurting too, and I understand that. I can not force him to talk to me or change his emotions. I can apologize and try, but it is up to him to want to talk, want to feel better, whatever. Yet, there is no use in poisoning what remains of my self-worth with all the bad that is happening.
What is my solution? I have none right now. So I had some egg whites for breakfast, though I felt nauseous all morning. I don't want any food, but I will have a salad for lunch. I try to breath. I try not to break down into that little puddle of me at my desk. As an eternal optimist, here is one place where I can't even see a silver lining, there is no bright side. I guess even us optimists have gray-black days. So I try not to be swallowed by the fear of losing him, of losing myself, and I keep breathing. I keep working. I try to control my nutrition, even with the dead feelings in my chest.