Skip to main content

Emotional wreck

When I was fasting, the support and clean emotional outlook was refreshing and energizing. Everyone was there cheering me on.  These past few days have felt like someone has died. I feel like I am full of poisoned emotions as I am fighting with the hubby. I am feeling the pull towards bad food and worse habits.  I am not feeling good about myself or my situation. This is not a positive post, in case you are just catching on.

What to do?  While there is nothing I can do to make him listen to me, or hear me, or care. I think the only thing left is to put myself out there with honesty and do what I can to work on me. That sounds selfish and while I want to fix everything, I realize there are some things I have no control over. I go back to controlling what I can, and all that has to do with me. Self control is just that, selfish.

This morning I spent some time, about 3-4 sessions, in hysterical tears, in pain, in anger, in frustration, in disbelief, and challenged because there was no breaking the wall he put up. No of those emotions or emotional outbreaks is doing me any good at all. I feel like I am dying on the inside because my "self" has been so intertwined with this other person for a dozen years, that it is like cutting blood flow off to half of my body. It hurts. He is hurting too, and I understand that.  I can not force him to talk to me or change his emotions. I can apologize and try, but it is up to him to want to talk, want to feel better, whatever.  Yet, there is no use in poisoning what remains of my self-worth with all the bad that is happening.

What is my solution? I have none right now. So I had some egg whites for breakfast, though I felt nauseous all morning. I don't want any food, but I will have a salad for lunch. I try to breath. I try not to break down into that little puddle of me at my desk. As an eternal optimist, here is one place where I can't even see a silver lining, there is no bright side. I guess even us optimists have gray-black days.  So I try not to be swallowed by the fear of losing him, of losing myself, and I keep breathing. I keep working. I try to control my nutrition, even with the dead feelings in my chest.

Popular posts from this blog

KonMari - Clothing AKA the reason I'm not naked

Marie Kondo starts with clothing because, I guess, we are more quick to purge clothing. We have to do this over the course of life when clothing gets ruined or looks old. She obviously doesn't know people like I do, because I've seen closets that are packed full of every item the person has bought in the past 20 years (or more). I am not this bad ONLY BECAUSE I have fluctuated weight up and down so often that much of my wardrobe consisted of cheap Old Navy or (insert plus size store) which never wears more than a year. I don't have many lasting staples. No real investments at my size.

The saving grace is that the process Kondo gives--get all the clothes, put them all together on the floor and touch each piece as you sort into joyful items, donate items, and trash items--forces a mental revelation. YOU HAVE TOO MUCH STUFF. I had over 30 tee shirts! I had 15 pairs of jeans! I had over a dozen day dresses and 10 fancy ones! I had 24 pairs of underwear, many I hated wearing b…

KonMari - Does this blog make me look preachy?

We have too much stuff.

Here is a general statement - we retain a lot of stuff we don't need. Our capitalistic culture wants us to keep buying more stuff. Our culture wants us to keep up with the Jones, to memorialize moments in sourviers, to buy storage solutions for our things, maybe hold grudges and emotional baggage of guilt associated with gifts and hand-me-downs. We keep to preserve but to also avoid loss.
Last night after reading a really hysterical piece of satire about the influx of the KonMari and minimalism into our culture, I started to feel bad that I was step-by-step processing my belongings in this method and it was a bit...gross.
I had that same reservation when I took my first photo for this segment of the blog - my entire wardrobe on my bed.
Can you imagine I looked at this, at one time thankful for the bounty that allowed me all these clothes, but also horrified at my own horde. "Oh, poor me. I have too much stuff and I can't manage it all like a normal…

Day 60: Top 10 Before and After - Number 1

Last Day of my fast! I am so happy. I have my meal of prunes soaking for tomorrow. I am thrilled.

I filmed a bit this morning, but the sound is off. I will post it here anyway.

I went to Nyack Main Essentials, that Vegan Dominican Juice Bar I went to on my birthday 60 days ago.  I had pineapple celery kale parsley lemon ginger juice.  It was really great.  That grapefruit asian pear juice was pretty good too. For dinner, after my interview, I made tomato basil leek parsley celery juice that was great.  Overall it was a great day, and I am looking forward to eating my first solid food in 2 months!