When I got the note to participate in the Google+ hangout with Tony Robbins and a few other guys, I was so psyched. When I attended Unleash the Power Within (UPW) at the end of March, I didn't realize how much it would affect my life and my outlook on myself.
One of the biggest things I got out of UPW was triggered when Tony was taking about the questions we ask ourselves, what we focus on, what it means, and what are we going to do about it? He said this: "Which emotions are "home" and do you still want to live there?" How to we recognize, make meaning, and take action on our emotions? For me I thought - in your body, in your mind, is there a healthy place for you to achieve and grow, live and love?
When I started getting completely honest with myself over the course of the 4 days, I realized that I was my own worst enemy. My "home" was decrepit and full of barbs that were meant to injure me. If it were a real house, it would be a gauntlet where the floors would fall out from underneath you and arrows would shoot from the walls. Exciting and dangerous, full of traps and endless injuries, but if you got out you would feel like a hero.
I used to spend a lot of time with negative self talk. It was my regular mode, my focus, my meaning. Nothing was good enough, perfect enough, done enough, I would never be able to finish, I don't know how to start, I was going to look stupid, I was fat, ugly, worthless, not worthy of good things, a loser, irrelevant, not interesting, totally faking my intelligence, sounding too intelligent - and loads more, some too ugly to even get back to. I was stuck in this mode and the only action was to repeat and try to struggle to finish a project, to go out in public and deal with being the ugly fat girl, and just try to survive.
Stepping back, I would never treat another person with the kind of talk I gave myself. I would hate me and think I was a nut job. I mean, at the same time I would think I was sounding stupid and too smart! I would try to give myself a "your lips look amazing" comment, then completely beat myself about the rest of my body in vivid, colorful detail so that I felt like crap. Maybe lots of people do this stuff to themselves, but it is not necessarily! It is totally pointless to walk around talking to yourself like your own worst enemy.
The first movement towards changing my house was telling myself the truths about myself. Without sounding pompous and narcissistic, I allowed myself to hear that I am smart, beautiful, and totally worth knowing and loving. Sure that sounds obvious, but how often do you refuse to hear those things about yourself?
I started rebuilding my house. I am repeating the truths about myself over and over till I own it. I still come across those trap-doors and flaming arrows every now and again, but on the whole, the house is bright again, and I can feel like a hero living inside it, instead of trying to survive in it. I am not my cheerleader, but instead I am being more real and less destructive. Honesty and truth have replaced panic and paranoia.
In all honesty my body is not where I would like it the best. I love it, but to make it more, eating better and doing Hot Yoga is going to get me where I want to be. Movement replaces the cycle of harping on the unhelpful emotions. Seeing myself as a person completely capable of consistent and lasting action is a big change. For this blog, it is less about abiding by the 60 day rule, but going for it even if a slip happens, because movement is the only thing that will bring me towards my goals. Sitting and wishing, hoping and looking for luck, will not. We must make out dreams happen.
It's good to be me now. I really recommend it. I rock.
What about your house? If you could change one thing about it, what would it be?